To make a Bebe_Ayo:

I have always said..."live your life without regrets." I think everyone always says that.

In all honesty there are regrets in my life, and I am sure there will be regrets in my future.

I regret not taking time to appreciate the simple interactions I have with people -- I regret always wanting some grand scene to take place between those I love most and me.

I regret allowing so many people to pull me in so so so very many different directions -- I regret not truly having my own voice.

I regret allowing my wall -- my defense system, to drive out people who wanted to be in my life.

I regret pushing some people away.

I regret becoming a control freak perfectionist.

I regret not being strong.

I regret my insanity, and haha yea right. With great genius comes great insanity?

I regret that in attempting to correct my over-aggressiveness that I become overly-passive.

I regret not learning about organic food when I was younger(say right after bottle-feeding younger), so that I could be healthier now.

I regret dying my hair. I truly love me blonde.

I regret being too skeptical/logical/analytical to believe in God or the majority of religions. (ps. Dan Brown has nothing on me, lol...I was asking who the hell Jesus was married to when I was in Sunday school.)

that's it, basically.

I love love.
We are so connected, on so many different levels.
They say that after a year the initial feelings of love/lust/infatuation begin to fizzle and thats when most relationships end, but we've been together for 3 years now and...these emotions just get more intense and deeper.
We are so compatible it is not funny. We can talk for hours about nothing and everything. I suppose 3 years is nothing compared to the 70 or so we can look forward to, but I feel like (even through the hard times, and trust me the hard times are really fucking hard) we get stronger with every little moment/conversation/glance.

He is the only person in my life who has not abandoned me, taken advantage of me, used me, betrayed me...etc.

I am head over heels. head over heels.

now for my list.

my CHRISTMAS list of course.

- Fleece Trapeze Coat from The Gap
- Anything from The Gap (I really have become a Gap Girl -- no one, not even me saw that coming)
- Books
- And...a new lab top, upon which I intend to write my book which I'll have time to do since I'll have me a degree at the end of Decembre.

 okay, enough.

bed? 9? okay, whatev.

I am a very busy person.
I am exhausted.
If I want things done a certain way, you had better do it the way I told you.
I am a perfectionist, controlling, and condescending (sometimes) -- you are just going to have to deal with it.

I promise the end result will be glorious.

I really just feel like saying this -- eat my shorts -- it is snotty, counterproductive, and irritating.

It does the job, beautifully.

If I could paint it any more plain -- I would make it that much more abstract.
If there were words I could speak more intensely -- I would speak them that much more softly.
Help to hold me up and stretch my arms that much more higher.
To speak that much straighter, and wonder that much further.
You have my trust, now help me to cross that last mile -- that last line to perfection.
 

The Sounds, my foreign lover for sure.

Sometimes I like blogs where less is more.

So less said, and enjoy.

"Being overweight is Hard on the Heart"
"Higher Gasoline Prices seen trimming down Americans"
"American's Fatter Than Ever: Study"
"Pay Obese to Lose Weight Australian Doctors Urge"

The last of these "news" articles is the most absurd in my eyes.
PAY obese people to lose weight?
Isn't that just incentive to be overweight so you can then be lazy, get money, and lose weight eventually?
Okay, skewed thinking, but whatever...It was my thought process of the moment.

It seems that our society lives at opposite ends of the spectrum...
Why can we not find a happy medium?
Why don't we focus our attention more on what it takes to be optimal?
Healthy? Functioning? Human?
I am not endorsing any form of eating disorder (obesity, anorexia, bulimia), nor am I judging.
I am not going to write an article about how to become healthy.
Or how to maintain that, I am not a doctor -- and I am not an expert in anyway.

I think that our society is stuck in this proverbial tug of war with skinny vs. obesity.
We are obese, we are overweight, we are skinny, we are starving.
We are never in the middle of this spectrum it seems, or at least never focusing on the middle way.
We are never considered beautiful if we are 140, at our healthy weight. We are considered pudgy.
We rag on celebutauntes for being too too too too dangerously skinny, and then when they gain weight we call them fat?

We blame it all on magazines and Hollywood, but...aren't we the consumers?
We buy into it, just as much as we sell it.

We hound celebrities as our Puritan forefathers hounded witches.
We put them on trial (on the front of glossies) everyday.

We are all guilty of warping reality.

Eating Disorders...are not uncommon, in fact I would go as far to say that just about every person in our society has a "disorder" when it comes to food, weight, or just in general...self-image.

No one is ever good enough to themselves, and privately (though no one will admit it) to other people.

We need to focus on healthy living, healthy bodies, individual bodies. (not everyone looks good in a size 2).

Do I really need to convince anyone that focusing on being healthy is more important than size, come on.
Nourish your spirit, body, and mind.

Look at the Japanese(not all, just in general) -- they eat well portioned meals, and they are a generally healthy nation, and hell...they have the longest life spans.
{for more on japanese diet: http://www.accesseonline.com/travel/travel_art.php?id=3}

In conclusion, I would rather live to 114 and be healthy than weigh 114 now and die when I am 70.
I am a hypocrite too...I weigh 103, and worked hard to be here.
But my body is suffering, and I really was happier at 140.

So my goal? Eat right, get healthy...live longer? lol

--Bebe_Ayo--
This post is not targeting any specific person(s) and/or group(s).
This is not meant to be offensive, so please don't take offense.
This is a semi-coherent rant -- manufactured to vent. (c)

So I caught the show "Gossip Girl" after watching the season premiere of ANTM.
I can tell that it will probably be my guilty pleasure of the year -- if it stays on air.
It has the distinct rumblings of your basic teen/young adult drama -- drugs, booze, sex, lies, cat fights, designer clothing, and beautiful people. Very "OC," too bad I did not care for the "OC" at all. I do like this NYC based show.
Basically it is the OC for us East coasters  -- hey, we can identify with the lack of tan-in-a-can complexions, enjoy our beloved New York views, and indulge our ever present need for sarcastic banter which I feel is purely east coast -- or it at least was born here.

In Conclusion: Think "Cruel Intentions" meets the "OC"

I never really realized that life lasted longer when I was younger.
I never really grasped that fact.
When we are young we could care less about goals or deadlines, we only care about playing -- eating -- and sleeping. Somewhere between then and now I have lost my ability to dream, and my desire to live.
Not live as in being alive -- I am not suicidal.
I mean live as in living, taking time to enjoy life.
My days go by so fast now -- when in youth they were so long, and found my sisters and I running about at night attempting to catch lightening bugs.
As a child I was content to sit on the dirty ground and build worlds with little more than twigs and mud.
I did not see the point in clothing, and attempted many times to run outside without it.
I taste tested just about every creepy crawlie I could catch.
I believed in ghosts, fairies, and magic -- I believed in everyone around me. (I think my then imagination has had a profound impact on who I am today -- hello, actress, writer, painter.)
The days were longer and held more meaning -- when I had no idea that meaning existed.
Years are shorter and filled with more rainy days...there are less lightening bugs too.

But I have enjoyed falling in love, and being in love...intensely.

Devendra Banhart's new album is out on the 25th -- "Smokey Rolls Down Thunder Canyon." Words cannot describe how desperately I want this album to accompany my every footstep on campus.

I have posted a You Tube video of Little Yellow Spider (one of my favorites) for your listening pleasure.

Yea, no matter how much I attempt to calm my ways...I think I will always be a dirty indie/hippy/folk child.
It is such a natural niche for me to live in, and Devendra is sensational.
If ever I had an inspirational leader, it is him.

"And hey there, Mr. happy squid, you move so psychadelically
You hypnotize with your magic dance all the animals in the sea
For sure..."

In the recesses of my mind I can recall moments in my youth -- thoughts in those moments, and I remember how I never imagined love, or passion. I never imagined angers and sorrows. There were no tears.
I never once in my youth thought that I would ever be capable of provoking such feelings from my fellow human.

And now, as I sit in the chill of the morning and watch the dew submit to the sun's glare I realize with such painful understanding that in all those moments when I breathed without consequence I was undoubtedly unleashing such conflicting thought upon my peers/superiors/inferiors to illicit such a remarkable dissipation of all misguided intellect, and thus penetrated so deeply into the very hollows of that distinctly human and beast dimension -- emotion.

People are drawn to me for one reason or another, and though I have lived playing it off casually and in such a beguiling and innocent manner I know the hold I can have over an audience...over an individual.
I know I possess the ability to captivate, penetrate, and entirely consume someone's being if but for a moment.
It is frightening to be charismatic, and adored.

It is even more frightening to realize that you can in one sense, a sense, some sense, hold sway over the out pouring of an emotion from those which you engage.

It is taxing.

And so, as I sit here and watch the sun's rays dance hypnotically from grass, to tree, to house, to stone, to insect, to bird I realize the ripple -- and just for a moment I can see it manifest.

One being's actions, reflecting off all those it comes in contact with -- and that mirror reflecting off the unwitting subjects onto more bystanders in the sway of sea tide.

Your actions are not singular.
Your actions do not stop at one.
Everything you do, every time you do it has a consequence.
Everything you effect -- will in turn effect the world around it.
We all are stones, and we are all the cause of the proverbial ripple -- the perpetual.

So instead of foul mood, and unpleasant disposition greet the world with compassion and a smile -- so as to stop the unending line of destructive emotion.

Eventually with age you realize that precipice you have always been waiting to cross, has consumed you and swallowed you entirely.

Transiency.
Sorrow.
Selflessness... all facets of existence -- facts.

I have hardly to step from my bed, to be suddenly embraced by the faint, fragrant, chill of Autumn.
A period of decay and slowing, darkening -- but a promising season for my heart, my spirit.
It is typically in these quiet moments of this quaint little land that I am overcome with awe.
Beauty.
It is perpetual in these hours, these moments, and days.

Words I suppose I cannot begin to use to offer justice to the feelings flying through my being, my body.
Sweet dissonance, and verve in retrograde.

Who I was has decayed as the leaves do in the shadow embrace of Autumn.
Who I am is but a becoming of who I will be.
Unending ends, and continuity.

Autumn is my magical hour -- for but a brief moment in time it is as if I am transported to a place in this world that my spirit belongs.

Mary Elizabeth Frye:

Do not stand by my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep!

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am a diamond glint on snow.

I am the sunlight on the ripened grain
I am the gentle Autumn rain.

When you awake in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush.

Of quiet bird in circling flight,
I am the soft starshine at night.

Do not stand by my grave and cry,
I am not there...I did not die!

I watch the news, read the news, listen to the news...and it is (for the most part) all the same tripe.
Trust me it is tripe, and I will not be a hypocrite and say that I am above listening...
I have after all been raised in this counter culture disgorge.

But honestly can we have a conversation without mentioning Miss.Spears and her va-jay-jay, Lindsay Lohan's ribs, or speculate over tabloid rumors about Brangelina breaking up?

Spare me the titillating details of his/her latest romp with miss/mr. so and so.
Forgive me for not wanting to hear all of America call Britney "fat" or "pudgy" when 129.6 million American's are in fact considered obese or overweight -- this just allows me to see how warped our view of reality truly is.
I feel like our entire society is stuck in some sort of middle school playground setting.
Disturbing, right?
We are so sex obsessed.
Sometimes I wonder if America's preoccupation with infidelity, sex, and general promiscuity comes from our Puritanical roots? *sigh* those Puritans...

I would like it if we could evolve.
I would like it if girls wanted to be seen more as strong individuals, instead of vagina flaunting playthings.
I am not saying that Emily Post has it all right, but maybe we should remember some of what our past had tried to influence upon us.

Say a certain level of class, elegance, pride, intellect, compassion, worldliness.
Be an individual, but be one with dignity.

If  we all invested as much time/effort into human issues (famine, disease, refugees, global warming, homelessness) as we do in our tabloid fodder, we might have a chance to evolve into a society not blind.

...*gasp* a hypocrite?

--Bebe_Ayo--
This post is not targeting any specific person(s) and/or group(s).
This is not meant to be offensive, so please don't take offense.
This is a semi-coherent rant -- manufactured to vent. (c)